"Hi, my therapist made me keep this book. I'm supposed to write my most embarassing secrets here and what I think day to day. Today's my 5th day in this new town, and I hate it already. I wish I could go back to homeschooling. Everybody looks at me weird, like they know everything I did. They probably do. I wanna go back. I have a 'guardian' but she's barely around. I basically live by myself. I'm learning how to cook, but I'm getting tired of eating burnt scrambled eggs everyday."
"I met two girls today. Their names are Charlotte and Nina. They're really mean, but it's the first time somebody's talked to me directly for something not related to school. They're both really pretty, I wish I had hair like Charlotte's. That counts as an embarrassing secret, right? Anyways, they pick on me a lot, but I'm okay with that for now. I wanted to be invisible for so long that I forgot what it felt like to be looked at by somebody."
"I met with their other friend. Jay. He's even meaner than the other two! I hung out with them at the arcade. Their parents are all nice too, but I hate the way they look at me too. There's so much pity in their eyes, it makes me want to cry. Am I really that sad? Do the adults know? If they know, are they gonna tell Charlotte and Nina and Jay? I hope not."
"After the arcade today, we went to Nina's house. I like Nina's dad. He doesn't bother me with questions, and he leaves me alone. He's not loud when he speaks. I like him. Nina's house is a lot smaller than my old house."
"I was alone with Charlotte's sister all day today! It was nerve-wracking! I was scared of saying something bad and having her pick up on it! But she was really nice. I hope we can hang out again sometime."
"I wore a rubber duck floatie around my waist today. Charlotte and Jay laughed at me, I even saw Nina giggling! They just don't understand what a fashion statement is."
"Today I had my first... 'gossip.' I found out all sorts of things about the people in our class I didn't know. I had no idea people could have so many secrets. We talked about crushes too, it was really embarrassing. Jay likes some girl I forgot the name of, if I had more courage, I'd push him in the right direction. Love isn't really something I understand, not entirely. I know what my parents gave me, and I know what he gave me. I know how love ends. I wish they did too."
"Today, I saw Nina cry for the first time. I should go step by step though. First, we were talking together during our lunch break. She asked me who my favorite in the friend group was, for some reason. I didn't have a response, I stammered and stammered. But then she just sad 'Charlotte.' I stared at her for a bit... I don't know what kind of facial expression I had, but it must've given it away. For the first time, I saw her smile hesitate, and she said she needed to use the bathroom, so she went. I noticed she didn't come back for a while, so I went to check on her. She was sobbing into her knees. I didn't know what to say so I just stood there. I didn't even try to comfort her. I think I'm afraid of touching her. She noticed me after a little bit, and I remembered something exactly like this happening before, but our roles were switched. Once she looked at me, I went over to her and did the same thing she did to me. I dragged the corner of her lips up. She seemed to appreciate that. I think she gave me the first real smile I've ever seen her give. I think she's afraid of not having control of things around her. Of the people around her. Maybe she likes attention...? My parents always used to say that other kids worried about silly things, this has to be one of those silly things, right? I don't know. She's always trying to make sure that she's the center of attention in our group, but it barely works because... Charlotte's personality is just way more dominating. Oh well. I'm going to make it a point to pay more attention to her from now on."
"Tomorrow's Nina's birthday. I'm really excited. I finally found... friends. He'd be really surprised to hear that, I bet. As I thought, I still can't write his name, but, I'm trying my hardest. I wish I could tell him that I understand why he did it, I wish I could've told him that there were other ways out. But, I don't want to be sad for once. I just want to be excited and happy for tomorrow. Nina's turning 14! We're going to have so much fun, almost the whole town is going to be there! Probably because of her dad, he's got a lot of connections here! I wish I had that many friends."
"I forgot to update my journal yesterday. It was too hectic, I had no chance of remembering. It followed me here too. Blood. There was so much. So much blood. I just don't understand. Why would anybody do something like that? After that dare, we didn't hear from Nina for a while, and then I heard a scream... back at that hallway by the backroom. A crowd formed there faster than any of us could go see. Charlotte started running too, but I knew what this meant-- I knew what this was going to do to her. I tried grabbing her hand, I tried telling her not to go look. I begged and I pleaded, but Charlotte didn't listen. She pushed me, and ran past the crowd. I squeezed in as best as I could, but it was too late. Charlotte saw everything, and I saw it too. That same nauseating sight of blood. The one who screamed was Nina's dad. He was holding her in his arms, sobbing nonstop. It hurt so bad to see. I think I threw up. I don't know. Everything was a blur. I don't remember. I just remember her face. She had the worst expression on her face. She was laying by the wall on the floor up-right. That grey lipstick she always wears was washed off by blood, just drooling down her cheek. And, her father too. I can't do this anymore. Why does it keep happening?"
"Charlotte called me today and told me Tia went missing. It's really freaking me out. She said they had an argument because of something relating to school and Tia just stormed off in the dark snow. I should've seen this coming. She confided in me before about feeling like she couldn't do anything herself. I was just... too focused on what happened to Nina. I really hope she's okay. She'll be back. Tia loves her family. She isn't the type to throw them away. She's not like me."
"Well, everyone's still broken up over Tia. The weirdest thing happened today. I was out, looking with Jay and Nina's dad-- Louis-- he gave us the weirdest look. Like he was pitying us but in a different way than usual? Jay didn't catch onto it, but I know what his normal look is. I tried to ignore it, but it threw me off hard. I miss Nina so much. She would've known what to do."
"They brought me in for questioning today. I was confused since, it's been months. I feel really bad, and I don't want to admit it, but Tia's probably gone, right? That's what I thought. But, I guess something new happened yesterday. It was Harmony, Charlotte's mother. She killed herself. I knew she was in pain for a while, I was never that close with her but... I know it hurts Charlotte. They asked me pretty normal questions, I really hope they don't suspect me of anything. I'm a murderer, but I know I didn't kill them! Right? I saw Louis there too, I didn't know he was such good friends with the police here."
"Charlotte barely talks to me anymore still. Jay has to drag her out of the house to get any hangouts. She's so dead. I understand the feeling. I wish I could hug her and tell her that I know what it's like, but I don't have the right. Charlotte never killed anybody. I did. I deserved what happened to me, she doesn't. And Bill, Charlotte's dad, he isn't helping at all. I never liked him. I would never say that to his face, but he's always so angry. He has such a short fuse. Anytime I stutter it ticks him off. I don't like him."
"Another lonely christmas. I spent the day at home, singing the christmas carols he used to sing to me to myself."
"Charlotte actually... smiled! For once! I tried to hide my joy, but I had the dumbest smile on my face in return. Charlotte made fun of me for it. She had a new watch on, said that her dad gave it to her. It really made her happy. She asked me for help with stylizing it with clothes! I was so happy! I talked for like 20 minutes about it! I think Jay got annoyed, but for once I don't care. Jay and Charlotte even beat some highscores, but then Louis came and called me and Jay aside. Some issue with the cards we used with the arcade or something. Charlotte just played games while we were gone, I think. But when we got back, Charlotte had tears in her eyes and she just... hugged me? It was so weird, even Jay was completely shocked. So was I! Charlotte's never that nice! I think I looked totally dumb after, Jay told me my face went all red!"
"For new years, Charlotte invited me to a diner near our house. I never liked that diner, but if she was paying for once, I didn't mind. It was the most uncomfortable conversation I've had in my life. She figured out everything about my past somehow. She learned about King, and my parents. I almost threw up on the spot. I cried so hard. I thought she was going to leave me forever. But... she didn't. She just comforted me all day. She even told me that... she loved me? And, I said it back. I really said it back. I surprised myself! I didn't think I had the guts for that! Maybe I've liked her for a long time now, I don't really know. It never felt right telling her until now. What does that make us? Does it have a label? I don't know. Oh... I wrote his name. I wrote your name again, King. I hope you're looking down at me right now, I hope you're proud of me."
"Jay wants to hang out again today! We're gonna sneak in and try out some new games. I don't really like video games that much, but I like watching them play. It feels a bit lonely being the only one watching without Nina, but, I'm okay with it. I'm okay just watching Charlotte. I've got a bad cold though! I hope Charlotte doesn't think I look weird! I'll update this journal again after we hang out. I'm really starting to get better. I feel... better. I feel like things are going to be okay."
